Below is a work of fiction I wrote—a spoof of spam e-mail that promises untold rejuvenations for areas we’d probably rather not think about. But to be perfectly honest, I wish this stuff existed. Enjoy.
Tired of droopy, saggy Grandmother boobs? Envy the perky, youthful breasts of teenage girls--and even your own--when you were young? Want those lovely rounded orbs back? How about TONITE???
Well, you can have them. I know what you are going to say. My boobs have been droopy for years. I've had to wear a bra just to keep from stepping on them ever since I turned 40. I know--me too! And I was fed up. FED UP, I tell you. The other day, I tried on a bikini in a department store, and you know what happened? My saggy, pathetic dugs just slipped right through the top. Yup. They slid out from under the bikini top, leaving me with a strap OVER my pathetic boobs. LADIES, you do not want to go there. Especially if the rest of you still looks good--you've still got good legs, right? Isn't it about time you had breasts to match?
Yeah, right, I would have said, that's impossible--without spending thousands of dollars--that you don't have--and undergoing a serious and invasive breastlift operation--one that would leave you perkier but with PERMANENT SCARRING.
Well, that's just old school, because you--YES, YOU--can be perkier TONITE! You heard me right--TONITE! Got a hot date tonite? Even a lukewarm date that you'd like to impress? Heck, just want to look more like your old self when you hit the waves on that beach vacation this summer? Well you CAN--this can happen to YOU.
Oh, I had tried everything. When I hit my 30s, my breasts sagged a little, but after years of breastfeeding--they started to sag A LOT. I mean, nothing to hold them in except for a Wonderbra--and that didn't help once the bra was off. I was so sensitive about it that I refused to be seen without some kind of bra--or shelf bra--on at all times--even when I slept!
BUT NO MORE. Nope. I don't even wear a bra anymore--don't need to--and I am 43 years old--a mother--and my breasts have been around the block. But you'd never know it by looking at them. And I have NOT HAD ANY OPERATION. No. All I have done is one simple thing--used new and improved PERKALOT ULTRA CRÈME for one week. Just ONE WEEK, and my granny boobs are now BABE BOOBS.
If you don't believe your eyes, just try PERKALOT ULTRA CRÈME for one week. Just one week. Rub it on each morning and each evening before going to bed. PERKALOT ULTRA CRÈME goes to work right away--you can actually feel it tingling. That's the capsicum oil--the same substance in chili peppers that makes them hot. Well, PERKALOT ULTRA CRÈME will make YOU HOT TOO! Only in a sexy-hot way. PERKALOT ULTRA CRÈME contains 14 essential oils and emollients. This special crème also has a patented peptide and collagen formula that works beneath the surface to rebuild--and keep rebuilding--breast tissue.
After a couple of days using PERKALOT ULTRA CRÈME--just feel your breasts. Go ahead. Have your partner feel them too. Or better yet, keep it a secret and just smile smile smile at all the admiring glances turned your way. Believe me, youth is wasted on the young. The REALLY sexy women are those who are in their 30s and 40s--and older--who have somehow--magically--managed to keep their youth and vitality.
So try PERKALOT ULTRA CRÈME. If you do not receive at least one compliment--at least one wolf whistle--or one pick-up attempt in the week following your first use--WE WILL REFUND EVERY PENNY of your purchase price--INCLUDING SHIPPING. So what have you got to lose--but sagginess? Just kiss those droopy tatas "Ta-ta"! Say "Hello" to the new, perkier you with PERKALOT ULTRA CRÈME.
Remember: Your purchase is backed by our 100% money-back wolf-whistle guarantee! If you do not get at least one wolf whistle or compliment in the week following your first use of PERKALOT ULTRA CRÈME, we will refund your entire purchase price--including shipping and handling charges. Simply return any remaining crème to the above address--no questions asked--we are THAT CONFIDENT that you will love PERKALOT ULTRA CRÈME and you will love the NEW YOU!