Feb 25, 2008

Tumerica Dishes on Oscar Dresses, 2008

Best Dressed and Worst: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Like those Americans who watch the Superbowl in order to check out the extravagant or whacked out commercials (you know who I'm talking about), I admit to watching the Academy Awards either partly or wholly to check out the fashions--or lack thereof (honestly, the only movie I've seen was Ratatouille--which I adored). I get a naughty thrill when someone like George Clooney’s girlfriend wears a particularly dreadful dress (which she did), or when Anne Hathaway takes home the Tumerica Prize for Best Dress and Best Overall Look--which she did. This is all in fun and does my heart good to avoid facing the cosmic chaos of impending doom in the Middle East and in the environment for a while. So what did you think about these looks?

Most Delicious
Anne Hathaway
Spectacular dress, regal and breath-taking. Loved everything about her look. The fabulous Harry Winston bling, the porcelain goddess skin. Fabulous. Could there be a more beautiful woman on the planet than she was last night?

Best Come-back
Cameron Diaz
Last year, Diaz sported a greasy fake tan and a hideous dress. This year, she looked stunning in a peachy silk dress that looked delicious enough to eat. Amazing complex textures and shapes. Original and interesting color. Her hair looks scuzzy and blah, but I'm a clothes person, not a hair person.

Nicole Kidman, Preggers
Nicole is one of those rare, talented people who exudes style. She would pick out the best clothes at a thrift store and make anyone envious. Plus, she always, always looks regal wearing whatever she wears. No exception at the Oscars--she looks elegant and smart.

Least Nutritious
George Clooney's Girlfriend, Sara Larson
What's up with this hideous floral get-up? Ick. It reminds me of a Jessica McClintock Butterick's Easy-Sew pattern, circa 1978. How could a charming gal like this have picked a more ghastly, expensive dress that shows bad taste? And Hollywood denizens PAY to have folks dress them like this? Somewhere in my heart I feel that if you marry a person with terrible taste, your life will be miserable. Can you imagine the furniture she will choose for that posh house?

Renee Zellweger
She tries, I swear she does. And she's got more talent in her pinky than most of us have in our imaginary selves--the ones that sing karaoke in the shower. She can do no wrong, except when she gets dressed. Now, granted, this is a lovely dress--great color, style--the works. But it does not work for her. It makes her already I-got-rid-of-my-Bridget-Jones-weight-in-spades efforts look downright third-world. Renee, honey, if you are forsaking carbs to that extent, at least cover up those bones, K?

A Man with Delicious Style
Viggo Mortensen
Viggo, darling, come over and see me sometime, will you? And wear this gorgeous tux. You look so handsome, you'd make eunuchs weep. Perfection. And you write poetry, too. I can say only, "Wow."

Run for Your Life!
Daniel Day-Lewis's Wife, Rebecca Miller
I think that I shall never see,
A more gosh-awful dress than the one that thee
Wore to the Oscar's the other night—
It's enough to cause all viewers fright.
Did you raid the refuse pile
To find the trinkets under your smile?
The red shoulder thingee—
And the black plastic flowers?
It's Wal-Mart chic,
Without Martha's style-power.

John Travolta's Wife, Kelly Preston
It's delightful, it's delicious, it's delovely. Her dress is the one I want to borrow the most. What a bold and beautiful statement color! How starry and well, like a Van Gogh painting--exciting and vibrant. Johnny, though, just say no to that dreadful plastic hair-replacement jobber on your head. Surely you can afford to get a good one, or to, gasp, allow yourself to go publicly bald. You're a fine-looking man. Sean Connery and Bruce Willis look great with no hair. It's gonna be OK.

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